My days go busy, And mostly i'm glad I don't have a moment to stop and think..
But when those idle moments come inbetween..
The feeling of being lost rises and overflows the edges of my existence

I don't know what I feel, and I don't know what should I feel.

And I'm searching in all songs and all poems
To find the words which could tell me 
what's this emptiness inside me which is not giving me peace..
There's no such song, and there's no such poem..

A new song by Zemfira and my translation
The Uchpochmack - Lightbulbs

Time to burn the bridges
Time to look for an answer
And change the burnt-out bulbs

Time to burn the bridges
Time to look for an answer
And change the burnt-out bulbs

A Long night,
Exhausting days,
And the apartment is smoked,
Too smoked
And the rain has set in since the morning
And there's a sigh left inside

And my heart will not survive,
Will not survive for sure

And i live in a delirium-like state of mind
I'm just trying to "be" (exist)
I'm a tiny human being
And I need to swim somewhere
I need some kind of a light
So I could see at least dreams


Time to burn the bridges
Time to look for an answer
And change the burnt-out bulbs

Time to burn the bridges
Time to look for an answer
And change the burnt-out bulbs


There are no ships,
Not a single soul around
And its so cold on the street
Scary and cold
And these shadows from the street lights
and the High-beam from vehicles

And my heart will not survive,
Will not survive for sure

And i live in a delirium-like state of mind
I'm just trying to "be" (exist)
I'm just a tiny human being
And I need to swim somewhere
I need some kind of a light
So I could see at least dreams


Time to burn the bridges
Time to look for an answer
And change the burnt-out bulbs

one month left only.. just four weeks to enjoy India to the fullest.. then - it's time to start my new life, in the new place..

when was the time when i gave up completely? :)

so, anyway =) here are my pictures in saree:

i guess for the past 2 months something is just terribly going wrong... dont take this as absolute pessimism.. believe me, i'm not the one..

i wouldnt say that past events don't make me stronger and smarter, - yes, they do.. but should it be this way, - way of loss..?

Yes, maybe I'm not so open as everyone else, and it takes time for me to start trusting a person.. but if i do trust someone - that means that this person is important to me.. and i don't want to lose him/her..so why its happening then? where is this point of misunderstanding?
and most important - why can't i do anything to change it? and the question is why.. if i would understand it..- probably it would be easier.. but i don't understand.. so i can't accept it i guess..

and i'm trying to be positive about whatever is happening, but i guess my attempts are not enough.. And i know, for some people it seems like i'm not trying at all.. and for some people i'm behaving strange.. i guess i really need a strong kick..

Sometimes I just feel like I woke up from looooong time dreaming. Sometimes I start seeing world with different eyes - some new look..
And I wondering - How could I be so narrow-minded before? why coundn't I see all of these before?

Sometimes we are so into our own world, our own thoughts, our own problems, - that we just don't see what is there around us, and what are those new opportunities and surprises the life gives us..

Well, after two months of "thinking process" about my life, i guess i know what to do next..
I'll go home, back to Russia
Probably two years of wandering around will be enough for now, and its time to take a break and try to understand where is my place..
So, I'll take this break at home.
Because its something stable, and I can think there
Because my family is close
Because its home

And if after some time I decide that my place is in Russia or India, or anywhere else.. - well.. it will be mature decision.. But if I take this kind of decision now - I'm risking to take it based on the influence of some factors like my mood, or short-term opportunities, or whatever else..

And its really time to get on my own feet :)

P.S. don't kick me if in 1 month I'll change my decision again :D

"We are responsible for what we are, and whatever we wish ourselves to be, we have the power to make ourselves. If what we are now has been the result of our own past actions, it certainly follows that whatever we wish to be in future can be produced by our present actions; so we have to know how to act."
Swami Vivekananda

lost.. not found yet

Long time no posts, haa?

Well, last few weeks have been difficult "a bit"..Trying to understand what's going on.. - Got lost absolutely with my life, so trying to find myself back..
Noticed that I'm closing myself more and more, and don't have enough courage to open up..
Story repeats itself, again and again.. its how we say in Russia - the same raker ..Obviously I havent learnt this lesson last time, that's why I'm going through this again.. But still - how stupid I am! Still I cannot get it..
Angry with myself..

...The thought is lost.. to be continued later..

Badly wanted to throw and break something yesterday. My mobile was the only thing around.. It wouldnt survive such a hit. So, had to keep that for myself..